Operating Instructions
(yes, this is a meme (my first), assigned by the wonderful Jamie Simmerman at Blue Duck Copy and no, that isn’t me in the picture, but the instructions apply!)
Congratulations on the purchase of your new BJ Keltz Writer Model! Please read this guide completely before proceeding to use this model. Failure to do so could result in damage to the unit, or, in extreme cases, the user.
WARNINGS:
This unit cannot be used at height or at angles. Attemps to do so will cause extreme vertigo in the unit with the potential for lasting damage to both the unit and the user’s shoes.
This unit is not equiped with the “seafood” function. The unit will reject all seafood and may become aggressive if forced.
This unit is equiped with an awesomesauce detector feature. If the feature begins to malfunction, take unit directly to this site for repair.
This unit may not be used in large crowds. It will malfunction, and the warranty is voided if the user places the unit in such an environment.
This unit requires daily prayer. Failure to follow this direction voids the warranty.
This unit is fueled by coffee. Failure to maintain appropriate coffee levels will result in malfunction.
General Use:
This unit requires periodic solitude. Failure to provide this basic need will cause the unit to malfunction.
This model is capable of being bribed. Manufacturer suggets spa pedicures, massage, purses, and for optimum results, chocolate.
This model prefers most shades of green and will respond best in environments of such colors. Make sure dashes of red are also available.
This unit requires nurturing. For optimal results, nurture by methods used here and here and here and here.
This unit is mildly OCD. It is a flaw we have been unable to control in our programming. Perhaps future models will not have this problem.
For Best Results:
Supply this model with plenty of paper and pens. The model will self-entertain for hours without need of support. Make sure you provide the chocolate.
Allow this model plenty of discussion and friendly debate.
Pass on this manual to the following individuals, who are invested in helping you enjoy your purchase for as long as you own your BJ Keltz, Writer Model. JC Hart, Sal, Sumar, Amber, Anthony, and Alex. Make sure these individuals include The Rules (below) in their user guides. Pass on the instructions to include Random Things About Themselves. Please remind them that following said instructions is not mandatory, only slightly obligatory.
We wish you many happy years with your unit. Please note: Warranty will void at age 38. We suggest purchasing additional insurance prior to that time to keep up with the inevitable repair bills that will follow.
(Note: The unit is age 41)
The Rules
1. LINK TO THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU
2. POST THE RULES ON YOUR BLOG
3. WRITE SIX RANDOM THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
4. TAG SIX PEOPLE AT THE END OF YOUR POST AND LINK TO THEM
5. LET EACH PERSON KNOW THEY ARE TAGGED AND LEAVE A COMMENT ON THEIR BLOG
6. LET THE TAGGER KNOW WHEN YOUR ENTRY IS UP
7. DON’T BREAK THE CHAIN (not actually a rule)
Very clever way to do your meme, BJ.
This is my favorite line:
“Supply this model with plenty of paper and pens. The model will self-entertain for hours without need of support. Make sure you provide the chocolate.”
Well done!
Is that a picture of you?!
Anyway, like I told Alex, you have to buy me a drink first before I do any of this tagging whatyamacallit.
But I do appreciate the link.
Okay, Anthony, I’ll buy you a drink. I have a lot of relatives near you, so you’ve been warned! hehe
Thanks, Sean. It was a lot of fun to write and tweak. I don’t consider myself a humor writer by any means, but I do like to make people laugh or smile (at the vision of the words, not at me, kthxbye). LOL
Now this is brilliant! Very well done!
“This unit is fueled by coffee. Failure to maintain appropriate coffee levels will result in malfunction.”
Instant nice person – just add coffee.
Well I can’t claim to instant niceness, but instant reduction of morning growl is guaranteed.
LMAO.
There’ll be no need to trade in this model for a newer one. We like the this one just fine.
Wall.E
Eva
Sorry reminded me of the movie my kids have had on repeat since the DVD entered the house.
Great way to do the meme! I think I’ll be doing the usual way unless inspiration strikes
Hey, Dave. I wish I had seen it in theaters. Heard it was pretty cute. Well, the first dozen times anyway, hehe.
What a clever idea!
I’m glad people enjoyed it. Hope you got at least a chuckle out of it.
[...] I’ve been tagged twice for a ‘things’ meme. First by the brilliant and wonderful B J Keltz, whose take on the meme was just so clever that I wasn’t sure how I could go about creating [...]
you are such a clever girl. such a joyful read, too. anyone ever tell you that you should become a writer?
thanks for the tag & the link, my friend.
Thanks, Alex.
So, you’re a “dehydrated party animal” too, huh? Just add coffee.
I’ll try to remember the heights thing, I like my shoes sans-vomit, thank you.
LOL, to Dave’s Wall-E reference. My kids act out the entire movie at least weekly. Most of the lines consist of great sound effects and “Wall-E!, Eeev-a!” Now they can add “B J!”
Thanks for playing along, it was fun!
@Sumar Looking forward to yours!
@Jamie CoffeeCoffeeCoffee! And yeah, vertigo is really hard on shoes if it gets out of hand, lol. I’ll try to keep yours clean.